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How To Predict His Post-Sex Behavior?

So, how do you tell if a guy is just trying to get you into bed, vs. actually, really-n-truly interested in you — before hopping into the sack. (Because lemme tell you, you’re gonna find out right after, boyo.) Lynn asked wants to know if there are ways to tell before taking the plunge, thereby allowing one to preclude said plunge if the prognosis is not good. Let’s find out…

You say a lot about women going ahead and having sex for the first time with her boyfriend whenever she is ready and it won’t make a difference in how he feels about her.  Either he is into her or he isn’t.

Yeah, how I usually say this is that sex doesn’t change how he feels, it REVEALS how he feels. If he likes you, that’s one thing. If all he was after was the sex, well, he got it…so he will likely exit stage left. (Theatrical as that sounds, you needn’t feel that you need to applaud unless you really mean it.)

My question is, how do I tell the difference before hand?  How do I know if he sincerely likes me or if he is just looking to get laid?  I don’t think a couple of dates are enough time to determine his true feelings.  That would be my reason for waiting,not to prolong the chase or put across a false facade of chastity.  I would like to know his true “intentions” before having sex with him.  I am not up to tossing sex out there every time I meet a new guy just to see if he sticks around  afterward. So, how do I tell?  How do I know if he is really into me, or just saying what I want to hear to get me into bed?

Dear Lynn,

Great question. Tough answer. It requires some rather cool-headed judgment, which…well, that can be tough to pull off. You’re dealing with a couple of obstacles, namely:

  1. Emotion Clouds Judgment: When you like somebody, or maybe like them, it’s not so easy to tell what’s happening because it’s all mixed up in what you HOPE is going to happen.
  2. Players Know about #1: Yeah, this is how the players play. They know what you’re hoping to hear, and they simulate it. Not perfectly, of course — just good enough to slip past your defenses. And usually when a player has gotten his play, the playee goes, “Oh, man! Duh! I totally should have seen that coming!” No shame there, of course. If you could always spot a con ahead of time, there would be no conmen, right?

So, what are some surefire ways to tell what a guy’s feeling before you do the deed?

  • WHAT’S YOUR HURRY?:  A guy just looking to get laid is always going to try to minimize the time in between “now” and “your pants.” How’s your guy doing with time? Impatient? Does he seem to be in a big hurry to get there? Well, of course he is, but is EVERYTHING that he does leading in that direction, or does he seem to enjoy the non-sex time with you just as much? That can be simulated, of course. It’s not always 100% easy to tell. But if ALL of his interest in you is pushing in that direction, well, how can you be sure that’s not all the interest he’s got? You can’t be sure.
  • WHERE ARE WE?: Are you meeting up solely in places/times that could lead to sex? Is it only at bars, and late, late in the evening, round about the, “Hey, do you want to maybe get out of here?” hour? Is he setting up any “get to know you by spending time with you” dates, or just “clear springboard to nekkid” dates? Still not conclusive, but it’s another clue. For conclusive, you need this last one…
  • WAIT UNTIL YOU KNOW: If you really don’t know whether or not a guy will stick around afterward, hey, just wait until you do. If you don’t know what he’s going to do after sex, maybe sex isn’t what you should be doing with him yet. Nothing wrong with waiting until you feel like you’ve got a handle on his interest level. And you can even tell him exactly that if he’s gunning for your nether regions right off the bat. As in, “I like you, but I just don’t have it in me to hop into bed with someone and then never see them again. I’m not saying that’s what you’re like, all I’m saying is that I want to take it easy on that until we know each other a little better.” Now, all guys will hear that and say, “Sure, of course, no problem! I feel the same way!” But a player might keep his foot on the gas in a big, big way, testing your resolve on that issue. Trying to make you feel like there’s something wrong with you for wanting to wait, trying to jedi-mind-trick you into second guessing yourself. If you feel in any way like he’s making you feel badly about wanting to wait, you can now be sure that you SHOULD wait.

The point is, Lynn, you want to let the players know that you’re not going to get caught up in the whirlwind of, “God, I’m so crazy about you, I’ve got to have you NOW NOW NOW!” But at the same time, you don’t want to be accusing all guys of maybe being a player. The point is to let him know that you will have sex when YOU want to, and not just when HE wants to.

The good news is, once a player realizes that you’re serious about waiting, though, he will likely suddenly get “crazy busy” and you’ll be rid of him.

Oh ladies — how do YOU tell if a guy’s interested before the physical act of lurve?

When What He Says IS What He Does

I know I always tell you to pay attention to what a man DOES if there’s any conflict with what he SAYS. Well, what happens if what he did…was kinda-sorta something he said? How do you manslate that one, I ask you? Well…actually, that’s what you ask ME. Or at least it’s what a reader, enigmatically calling herself “huh?!!” did. I think I can help.

First… I LOVE the blog of Loveawake dating site! I read it every morning and laugh my little head off everytime.  God, you are soooo talented! I love it! (in a non-stalking kind of way…)

Yes, no stalking, please. For your sake. Believe me, you just can’t imagine how bored you’d be watching how I spend my time.

My question is brief (I think).  You always say that when in doubt about what a man say or does, always, always go with what he does… right? Now, a very touching greeting card-about love, dreams come true- along with a gift card ($$), will that fall under what he does or says? You see, this guy has me extremely confused, I assumed we’re in a booty call kinda of thing, but then he completely throws me off by giving me this card.  Oh, wise one, please guide me through this treacherous path of the male species you seem to know so much about.

Sincerely,
huh?!!

Dear huh?!!,

Well, I can see why you’d be confused here. But I think we can figure this thing out. First, let’s take this “gift card ($$)” of which you speak.

IT DON’T GROW ON TREES…OR DOES IT?

Let’s just say this about a gift card…it doesn’t take much to get one. You go to a store, or you even go online, and you buy it. Takes about ten seconds. Now, I’m not saying that gift certificates aren’t an awesome gift that I almost always love to receive. But they’re definitely not a sweep-you-off-your-feet-holy-crap-that-was-so-romantical-I’m-gonna-poop kind of gift. And if I got one as a gift for my wife, I’d be at least a little embarrassed.

So as an action…think of it in terms of effort. I mean…he basically gave you money. Sure, not money that’s as useful as actual money (you can only spend it where he told you to) but it’s still cash. If the scale goes from  “a fuzz he found in his pocket that day” to “a marble statue he sculpted with his bare hands” this falls somewhere in the middle. But it’s closer to the fuzz.

Again, not a bad or ungenerous gift, not at all. Just not much in the effort department.

IF GIFTCARDS ARE CHEAP…GREETING CARDS ARE CHEAPER

I don’t know if you know this, but you can buy a card pretty much anywhere. Now, if he WROTE that stuff about love/dreams come true/etc., that is certainly a step in the right direction. But if the card he bought just said that stuff, eh, whatev. And either way, it still falls very much under the heading of words. It’s not a BAD sign, certainly, but not nearly enough to go on.

SO HE’S FULL OF IT, THEN?

Not necessarily. In fact, if I had to boil it down to one sentence, that sentence would be as follows:

This gift doesn’t tell you anything more about the relationship than you knew before.

See how boiled down that is? Great boiling, Mac. Ahem…excuse me.

Again, I’m not saying that this stuff is a bad sign. Or a good one. It’s just not much of a sign at all. I don’t know any other details, but if you were pretty sure you were a booty call, and he’s treated you in a way that lets you know that you’re a booty call, and since he got you this gift he’s still treating you like a booty call, I’d say you’re still a booty call.

Put another way, if it walks like something that rhymes with duck, and quacks like something that rhymes with duck, you should probably prepare yourself to do something that rhymes with duck, and not much more.

Good luck, and don’t get all caught up in this non-signal. How’s he treating you since the gift? Same as before? Meeting up for sex late at night, and not admitting to the relationship in public? Or is there more going on?

What’s your take on this gift, miladies? Any clues there?